ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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