I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
