I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
