i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
