My nipple is on Facebook.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
