I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
