I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
