Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
