I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i will never coherently bang her
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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