i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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