he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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