I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
