When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
