I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're using joints as your birthday candles
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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