Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
