i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
