my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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