the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
