I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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