Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
