Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Randomize
