i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
