Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
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he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
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I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
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