you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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