I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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