I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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