I wish I could teleport
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
