best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
