Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
