my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
