There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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