if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
