New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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