I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
