when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
