you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
