I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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