He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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