Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
