K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just forgot I was standing up.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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