I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
