This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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