when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I just want nice things and good sex
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
