i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
