he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
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No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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