Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
