i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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