Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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