I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
