I want to have your abortion
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball