One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?