Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
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He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
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I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!