1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.