I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.