i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.