I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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