I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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